How being in a Relationship reveals our Defensiveness

 Relationships are pivotal because they help us know ourselves better. Being part of a couple helps us understand who we are, from someone else's eyes. Our partner might see the things we no longer do, what's adorable and what's conceited. They might notice that we trust people too easily, or we overreacted that one time, over the things going on at work or that we've said the same anecdote for the third time. Their feedback to us has the potential to function as the root to self improvement, to help us grow less narcissistic and vain but more times than not, we walk away from relationships with most of our delusions intact. 

Most of this boils down to our pride and defensiveness. 

Defensiveness is predominantly the major cause behind the failure of relationships. The real problem with defensiveness is that there are no particular set of situations that triggers it. No matter how much two people are in admiration and love of each other; With time and the birth of real intimacy, you are bound to stumble upon the displeasures and inconsistencies that produce dissatisfaction. We all come into love in hopes of being admired but when our faults are laid out to us about how we forget to put the toothpaste cap on, or that we leave our room a mess in the morning, or we don't communicate like our partner wishes. These small things slowly mountain into conflicts that can no longer be overlooked and cause deep frustration or perplexation in those who have to share their lives with us. We can't come to terms that our partner has caught sight of something that doesn't tally with our view of ourselves. 

 No matter our partner's mood, the underlying notion that flows through our mind is that our partners expecting a level of perfection from our crooked and imperfect selves. These new bits of information that serves as insight on us in practice, leaves us feeling insulted about how our partners could be so repulsive and inconsiderate. We choose to cover our ears or fall back on the classical idea that in a good relationship, no one should be trying to change each other or the rallying cries of "love me for who I am" because presumably, we are perfect enough. 

But in reality, it is a monstrously selfish and unfair ask to be loved as we are, characterized by our faults, twisted excuses and craven impulses. In an atmosphere of self honesty and awareness, we should only hope to be loved for who we hope to be, who we are at our best moments and the potential we have to be as people, for the good that is in us, in its dormant yet realized state . 

When we do receive feedback from our partners, we should turn to them gratefully and ask for more, trying to strive to be a better version of ourselves. Treating love in sorts as a classroom, where our partner can teach us a thing or two about the things we tend to overlook. 

Defensiveness isn't a trait that is randomly inherited by people rather we can learn to be less defensive by following a few simple notions. 

Firstly, we need to accept our fears. Most of our defensiveness stems from our fear of being humiliated or abandoned. This often stems from figures, we had in our childhood who never let us believe a certain notion and instilled certain inseparable fears in us. But we need to swallow our pride and accept that a decent partner, instead of poking fun at our faults would understand and encourage us to move past them. They would put forward the notion that criticism towards our personalities and behaviorism isn't a personal attack but because they care for us. 

In fact, criticism is normal. Because if love really required an absence of even the most minor of flaws, no one could possibly qualify for a relationship. Yet in reality, we are all worthy of love, not because we are perfect but because none of us can ever be. 

The only people who shouldn't change for love are the ones we don't care about. Love isn't fragile, true love is resilient in a way that it's failure isn't caused by minor details over flaws but the way that these details cannot be acknowledged and processed. 

Secondly, we need to be the willing of students and kindest of teachers when pointing out our partners disappointment or vice versa. It is natural to assume the worst of them and have the thought of walking away but in time and with a lot of effort, when our partner points out that we're too attached to our mothers, or that we don't answer our texts on time, we don't feel the fury or rage and understand that the other person is doing us a favor by criticizing us and providing feedback, we learn to say the most acceptable thing: thank you. 

When finding partners, we should find someone who would follow us along this narrow path towards accepting our criticisms and include it in one of our goals of going abroad, learning Spanish and taking feedback properly. We might even consider it one of the harder endeavors of life, alongside growing a business and taking on a passion project. 

Most relationships collapse because two people didn't want to know more about themselves. Maybe because the knowledge was too difficult or the way it was shared was too insensitive. 

Have a fantastic day! 

-Sahana