The price I paid for the fear of being alone

I talked to my ex-best friend recently. This person was very close to me during quarantine, we used to update and call each other everyday but deep down, I was very miserable in our friendship. We changed a lot and I don’t really blame either of us. Our friendship was a bittersweet one, it was always me belittling myself so I wouldn’t make him mad. We kind of ran out of things to talk about, our lives were so different and yet I just kept going back with him knowing how unhappy he made me feel.

Being alone may seem fun, that you have no one to boss you around, tell you what to do but it turns lonely very soon. I have lived with loneliness for as long as I can remember, maybe it’s because I am an only child or my parents both worked. But I have come to realize that the other side of the equation isn’t any better; The fear of being alone is perhaps responsible for many unhappy relationships.

People who are afraid of being alone, in itself make wrong decisions about the company they keep around. They rather stick with anyone than the one. They do not have the strength to wait or demand for the right person, they might just settle with just attractive but not smart, just cozy but not home, or just plain instead of adventurous.
Being with not quite the right person might sound bearable but over long period of time, it starts becoming hell. Every intimate and little moment will be ruined, a fancy vacation would be filled with quarrels, financial problems and maybe more. It’s exactly like the proverb, pebble in your shoe. Small things just keep accumulating until it’s just too much.

When in a relationship, they have no power to demand for what they deserve. They are just at the mercy of the person who fears loneliness less. Because everyone knows that even if they demand for what they want and won’t get it, they aren’t going to leave that relationship because where will they go? Their partners will realize that they have nowhere to go, so no matter how badly they are treated, they will always be there.
We will get so used to mediocracy that we won’t ever go out to explore what we really need. We have so lightly signed away our freedom; and every time we go out, we see all those fascinating and charming people around us we have excluded forever since we have already settled with someone who we aren’t happy with.  

It’s so bizarre knowing how much a phobia affects our everyday lives, changing how we view this world. I get reminded of how lonely I am late into the evening, when it’s just a time to relax with your loved ones, discuss about how your day went when I am just in bed alone, scrolling through my phone.

There are some people where it just never will be the right time. Everyone has a person where they can see themselves ending up with them yet nothing has ever happened and nothing might ever happen. The idea of them is so perfect and yet the way life works out, they will always just be that for you… an idea.

It took me a long time to finally realize that he wasn’t meant for me, that every time I end up going back, I am just punishing myself to go through this cycle of misery over and over again. And I have let go of my once bestie, is just an idea.

And maybe I am scared of ending up alone when everyone around me has found their someone but I remind myself that instead of settling with mediocracy, I might just wait for the 20^th or the 200^th best friend until I find one who truly knows and understands me. And I think I might have just found the ones.

I hope you have a great day/night!

-Sahana