Cyan😱

Exams just ended, and final exams are starting again in a few weeks. Yay me! I haven’t been going out much, just staying home and trying to minimize stress. In my first post, if anyone even read that (I was such a rookie back then 🤭🤭), I mentioned a special someone whom I liked a lot during quarantine. So, I’d like to continue that story. Warning: Super cringe.

In 2021, I was jobless. School was online, no homework was being given and I had a lot of time on my hands. Hence this gave me a lot of time to find a “who-is-breaking-Sahana's-heart-this-time” person and one fine day, I saw this long tall skinny dude playing football in my apartment. He looks like Xavier Thorpe but Indian, and without the long hair. Let’s call him cyan. Just a very basic guy, right? No, I was head over heels for him; I thought he was so attractive. P.S: HE ISN'T!

So I did what every teenage girl in “love” would do, write a diary entry about him. Anyways I shot my shot, and the shame, embarrassment, the loss of dignity I faced after that; Oh lord. 

The first thing I had to do was find his name and like basic details, because I knew nothing and I liked this guy. So I stalked, in a way.  And like any stalker would do, I got to know his name and where he studied, and everything from a bunch of mutual friends. I do not advise or recommend this behavior to anyone. I searched for him on Instagram and there he was, I followed him and… he followed me back! I was so happy that day. A little context: This entire thing happened over the course of a whole year, sounds so silly when I write it like this.

One day, I got the courage to text him and I did. I sent a hi, and he left me on ‘seen’. A few days later, I said hello, and he left me on ‘seen’ again. This went on for a few more days, so in total I quadruple-texted him. As a last resort, I said something harsh, I don't remember but he replied! Saying he doesn’t know me...

I mean, I don’t blame cyan for this one but it hurt your girl’s feelings. I cried so hard that night. Nevertheless, I continued keeping up the conversation and it felt super one-sided because his replies were always “no”, “yeah”, “why” etc. like that’s drier than Sahara.

But honestly, I don't blame him either. Why would anyone be enthusiastic to meet up with someone who claims to live in the same apartment as you and you don't know a single thing about the other person.

And if this wasn’t enough for me, another incident happened when Cyan was cycling around my apartment. Me and my friend, Kai saw him and I was being a chicken to go up to him. But after a while, I told myself that I’ll only get a boyfriend if I put in the effort so I did approach him. I tried to stop him while he was cycling but he just stared into my eyes for a second, his expression cold, and continued along with his trail. It hurt a lot, to say the least.

At that time, We had a mutual friend named Viraj. I begged him to introduce me to cyan, every time we met. I could see he was annoyed and tired due to this but he tried his best. Nothing ever happened.

Conclusion: Nothing ever happened between me and cyan. He was just a long infatuation for me and he mentally exhausted me even though he did not know me. I still see him here and there around my apartment and I just cringe so hard knowing what all I did for someone who didn’t even know a single thing about me. 

My word of advice, show someone you are interested but don’t go out of your way just to talk if they aren’t invested because it is like watering a dead plant; You are waiting for it to grow back when deep down you know all your efforts are going in vain. Don’t lose your self-respect and dignity for someone, it is not worth it.

I hope you have a great day/night, besties!

-Sahana