First word, First move

People are terribly afraid of taking the first step. 

We are absolutely petrified to put ourselves out there. And from going through enough webpages of introverts ranting about why they prefer to be closed off to write a 'Diary of an Introvert Kid' of my own, I've come up with one simple conclusion—we’re afraid of what the other person is going to think.  

We are so afraid of what others might think of us, of what will happen if we slip up and say something awkward? Of what will happen if I fumble in front of all my peers? 

We get so accustomed to our miseries and sorrows that we assume this is the best life can provide us with. We get so used to the mediocracy, signing away our own lives ever so simply just for the fear of being a bit uncomfortable. We succumb to our comfort zone, choosing to stay silent rather than voicing our concerns because of silly what-if questions dancing at the back of our head.

This is evident in a social experiment I conducted for the sake of this blog, I became my own lab rat and put myself out there on three different apps that “help you to find like minded people around the world and make friends”. Well that’s what the apps claim at least, half the idiots on there were just thirty and down bad but we’ll get back to that part later.

One peculiar thing I noticed, first of all, in people’s bios is that they explicitly mention that they do not text first and expect the other person to do so. And genuinely all I'm asking is if all the relationships around us depended on the other person doing things, the entire world would crumble apart. Since we’re always pushing those things around instead of actually executing it, we are ultimately wasting more time pushing around a simple mundane task.

We are so consumed in our ego that everyone should text us first when we don’t realize we are the reason for that isolated feeling. When you are the reason, you have to resort to downloading apps to find companionship. 

Another thing I realized from my small excavation is men are douchebags. I always speculated that dudes might be a little out of place, weird at times but no, these apps made me whole-heartedly believe that they are— indeed, jerks. Matter of fact, call them every insult in the book. Gosh, the number of times I’ve been insulted, been thrown names around, asked for explicit pictures, been sent explicit things, had vulgar stuff sent is absolutely revolting. And this is just the beginning.

Sure, there were a few who weren’t as bad as the others but that’s simply the thing, the majority are so horrendous that even the most basic, bare minimum seems like an oasis in a humongous desert. No one in those absurd apps was ever searching for any companionship in the first place, more like lashing out their creepiest and weirdest ideas on these girls. Sure, there are some pitiable guys on there, genuinely seeking true love and companionship and I honestly admire their level of hope, having such a pure heart in an ocean of scoundrels. 

And let’s say I did find a number of decent men who don’t constantly send “you send?” “freaky?”. I’ve barely found a handful and even the ones I find not so revolting, unadd me at the end of the day. 

There was this guy, let’s call him Asher. Asher and I spoke on the phone for about half an hour discussing about school and just life in general. And guess what, I checked later on to see that he unadded me. What for? I still don’t know. Maybe he was weirded out due to my vampire voice or was it because of my impulsivity. Who knows? 

Though I’ve added countless people on my snapchat from such apps, I know they wouldn’t last longer than a week, let alone a month. Every time I think a particular guy is different, that he actually cares about me, these people prove me wrong, time and again, showing their real colors. It goes from sweet flirty texts in the beginning to just aggressive creepy messages to the point where I'm forced to unadd them or just get unadded for not complying with their absurd demands. 

It’s a never ending cycle that just involves another girl, every other day since they get bored of the same one. The amount of bullshit being spewed in their bios is even more hideous. It gets worse since you think you’re getting a “sweet, kind, loyal, I love to listen to yaps, will reply fast” man when in reality you get ghosted for asking what their favorite minion is.

Sorry Jay, didn’t realize it takes you 4 hours to find out your favorite minion. 

I think there is only about four people, who still have me added for longer than a month at this point. And no, I don’t regularly converse to these people. All my efforts of maintaining a proper conversation and establishing a good connection with them, is lost when they show pique interest on day one and two and leave me hanging on day three. 

I’m sick and absolutely exhausted of this cycle. I’m tired of people, both the ones I know and don’t, not putting in effort to make conversation. Not trying even the very least, the bare minimum when it comes to putting efforts into a relationship. It takes two to form a bond and expecting one to put in their 101% while you lay back is absolutely ridiculous. 

So the next time you hesitate to send a text, know that there's another person behind the screen, waiting for your text, hoping that every notification is yours. That it doesn't make you any less of a man or a woman to text first, or double text, when you want to. That taking the first step isn't scary, it's just a bit uncomfortable. 

Oof! That was long. I hope you have an amazing day ahead! 

-Sahana