LHS ≠ RHS

 I am a person who has a lot of expectations of myself and others. Perhaps it's a result of my upbringing or how my parents were always somehow hard on me on a few specific things; we'll never know. Having expectations in the first place is a good recipe for disappointment. 

I always figured relationships were give and take. Or mathematically, LHS=RHS. That if you add a value to one side, the other side would automatically get fixed to match the value. That if I devote my all and give you all my time, I too deserve the same. That if I respond to your texts immediately and give you all  attention, I was entitled to the same. 

But sometimes life isn’t fair like that, sometimes it’s an inequality.

Enough of the math analogies but that’s the beauty about relationships, you don’t always get what you put in. And I had to learn this the hard way. 

I was with my counsellor once, pouring my heart out about how my relationships were failing and upsetting me because they weren’t as invested or dedicated as I was. She told me that relationships weren’t give and take; most of the times, they are usually give and barely any take. It’s not always going to be I give a chocolate and expect one. And that honestly broke me.

It broke me that I would always be the one who did more, who put in more effort than the other and was just supposed to be okay with it?

It took me a long time to make peace with the fact that people aren’t going to reciprocate every little or huge thing you do for them. That sometimes it’s fine to give a lot and get very little in return. That sometimes you don’t get anything in return.

That loving someone harder won’t make them love you back.

It’s very tempting to think that perhaps if I gave them a bit more of my attention or made myself look prettier or just pour my heart out into the relationship or give them your everything, they will recognize you and love you back.

But love doesn’t work that way. And as much as I yearn for it to be different, love isn’t a transaction where effort equals reward.

You cannot fill the void of unrequited love by simply emptying yourself. You cannot make someone see your value by diminishing your own. Love is a curse with no warranty that says that loving someone deeply isn’t a guarantee that they will love you back. And I am not only talking about romantic relationships here, even platonic ones.

I spoke to my friend yesterday regarding this and honestly, there is no cure. You can't just take a pill and go to sleep, hoping the next morning everything is well. She did suggest I lower my expectations and believe them and honestly, it's going to be a hard journey. 

Unreciprocated love hurts but disappointing yourself over and over kills. 

This was a shorter piece than others but honestly, I wasn't in the mood to think or research. My friend just cut me off out of nowhere and I am just devastated. Please send hugs and prayers. 

I hope you have an awesome day. 

-Sahana