Grandpa issues

You might have heard about daddy issues or mommy issues. But I'm introducing a new issue, grandpa issues. And for the folks who do not know what mommy or daddy issues are, get out of your rock, please.

But basically, children need dependable adults in their lives to form secure attachments. If this isn’t formed, many people can form avoidant or anxious attachment styles later in life. If a child doesn’t have a father or a mother figure in their life consistently, this could lead to an insecure attachment style later in adulthood. Mommy issues and daddy issues are informal terms, used to describe these very emotional conflicts or attachment styles stemming from childhood relationships with parents. They can manifest in various ways in adulthood, impacting self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being.

But yes, coming back to my grandpa issues; My maternal grandad was the best grandpa anyone could ever ask for. I spoke about him briefly in my earlier posts (rookie days 🤭) but to go more into detail, he was the perfect mixture of strict and lenient. I always enjoyed my holidays back in Chennai because of him. 

There are so many memories I can list when I think of him, such as the time it was raining heavily, which is pretty rare in Chennai. I had a horrible stomach ache, my grandma was next to me, soothing me, trying to ease away the pain while my grandpa called my pediatrician in the middle of the night, and went out in the pouring rain in his bike to get me medicine. He was also an avid solitaire play and card game enthusiast 😂😂. I think I may have inherited that gene from him. Or the times he took me the local parotta and kurma shop to buy dinner.

Unfortunately, he succumbed to his cardiovascular diseases, he had for a long time and passed the gates of heaven in 2014. Honestly, I hate myself for forgetting fragments of the little memories I have of him as days turn into months, and months into years. I hate that he left so early, leaving all of us to deal with this pain. I hate that he left me, grandfatherless. 

I remember once after he passed away, I asked my mum where dead people go. She told me that they become stars and as irrational as that sounds to logical Sahana, it's comforting looking up at the stars at night and wondering whether my grandpa is up there, looking down at me, proud of everything I achieved on earth as he smiles through the stars. 

When my grandpa passed away, I thought my paternal grandpa would step up, perhaps try to take his place, be a bit more closer now but the exact opposite happened. I never had a relationship in the first place, growing up with my paternal grandpa. He barely visited our place and when he did, he didn't interact with me at all. My dad was his favorite son, only waiting next to the elevator every evening for my dad to return back from work and watch cricket together. 

I thought having no relationship was better than a rocky one but I guess, time proved me wrong. When you are young, you don't pay heed to such unnecessary details. He was back in Chennai and since I barely saw him, it was simply out of sight, out of mind. 

But as I grew up, you start looking around yourself. And I saw every single one of my friends having such beautiful relationships with their grandparents, and when I looked at my family, I just realized what a disappointment it was and still is.

My paternal grandpa and me just never had a relationship. He never once bought me something nor has ever wished me on my birthdays or any big achievements. He has never said hi or even a hello to me. And it wasn't as if I have never tried reaching out, I tried my level best to build something with him but my efforts were just never reciprocated. He's simply absent. 

As you grow older, you realize that the things you thought you didn't need or were unnecessary were actually just comforting lies you told yourself. I yearned for my grandpa to wish me a happy birthday every year, but for sixteen years, I kept deceiving myself by insisting that he was invalid. 

But I realized recently that it's not him I miss, it's my real grandpa. The simple, considerate things grandparents are supposed to do but mine never did. It's the things he missed out on. And if I am being honest, I do not consider him my grandpa, just a sad pathetic person I happen to know. 

There are days where I wish my real grandpa, my maternal grandpa hadn't died that sad day in October but rather my paternal one. I miss having him call me funny nicknames, I miss having him call me on my birthdays and wish me, I miss playing solitaire with him, I miss him. 

It's so unfair that life takes away the most amazing people first, that my awesome grandpa had to die first. Things were just never the same after he left. My grandma became sick, my mum was different. Chennai was different. Suddenly, I dreaded going back to my city. Suddenly, eating KFC became a nostalgic moment than a fun fast food. 

I thankfully have amazing paternal grandmas who support me through thick and thin. So yes, god did open two windows for me when he closed a door!

Many might ask, "Sahana, why haven't you tried rendering your relationship now? Try something now? Maybe he's changed." In these recent years, I have just started despising him for everything he had not been and will never be. I know that talking now will fix nothing, rather tear a deeper hole in my heart. My grandpa isn't the type of person to consider whatever is told to him. And at this point, there is nothing to say at all. 

Just a trauma dump, honestly! I totally did not shed a few tears writing this... I hope you guys have a wonder day!

-Sahana