Problems to Finding the one: 2

It’s been almost an year since the last post of this series and today we’re going to continue this because truly, a lot has changed over the this past year. 

I was letting a close friend review a few blog drafts I had, and she just asked me one simple question that shook me—“Why are you coming to conclusions about stuff without actually experiencing them?” Well, I’ve never really thought about stuff in that way. So thanks for that, Devyanshi!

But today’s blog, I’ve experienced enough to be able to write a huge essay about it. 

Majority of this past year, I believed that maybe I was the one at fault, I was the one who was too ecstatic, too upfront, too shy, too introverted for someone to approach me and for us to build up a relationship. But in these last few months, (after gaining knowledge 🧘‍♀️🧘‍♀️) I’ve come to the conclusion, maybe I’m not the one at fault. Maybe it’s not even me, but rather the other person. 

People these days expect love to knock on their doorstep, that they will just lay back and relax by the pool and Cupid will do all the work for them. We expect that after some time, things will be easier that with “practice” you’ll be able to master relationships. 

But for the last time, we need to realise, relationships aren’t physics problems. That with enough practice and perseverance, you’ll ace the sum each time. Relationships are complex and chaotic and challenging, they’re a tangled mess. And you aren’t expected to organise it rather… just live with it. 

There are times where I’ve thought about why is it always me who ends up alone? What is wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why is love so tough? Am I not compatible enough with this clearly amazing person?

Sometimes, we realize we don’t need solutions, just a really wise and kind person to understand how hard it is that there isn’t one. To listen to our sorrows empathizing with us about all our worries. To know that we aren’t a complete idiot to have failed in this segment of life, that other sensible and intelligent people are too facing the same challenge as us. 

We don’t need ‘solutions’, we need sympathy for our impasses. 

So it’s fine to feel stuck when it comes to love because sometimes there aren’t answers to such questions. That it’s OK to have these difficulties forever. Maybe it’s one of life’s givens. 

This is where a bracing pessimistic view of philosophy comes into play, that says, of course you’re miserable, you’re alive! Of course, love is difficult, welcome to life! Of course it’s chaos, you’re only a human being. 

But this is what we, time and again, keep forgetting. We ever so wanted to sort this impeccably, but we fail to understand that love isn’t a tea rack or an excel spreadsheet to sort out, the amount of people who have this segment of life figured out is a minuscule, below 1%. 

Modern love is not a problem we can solve but rather a paradox we must manage. 

We live in a generation of wanting to be in love but not taking up the responsibilities it comes with. Because scoundrels will keep passing by, which convince you that you are the one at fault, that maybe you’re the one putting too much effort or too little effort, when in reality, they are the ones running away from the actual problem that maybe they’re the ones at fault. That they are the real ones sprinting away from love. 

Looking back at my previous failures in love, I’ve noticed a common trend of me being too generous with them and giving unnecessary chances. I’ve been watering a dead plant all along.

 Maybe it’s my fault I gave chances to that guy who just talked about himself and his sisters wedding in the royal palaces of Rajasthan or that guy who only ever spoke about crypto and kept rubbing it off in everyone’s face that he’s alone and making money makes him feel less alone or that guy who lied to my face and yet I went back to him. 

I keep forgetting that it’s not my problem to fix these very broken people, it’s a choice whether I want to sit through 2 hours of a man just yapping about his crypto journey or not. Maybe I should be more selfish and selective with who gets my love. Because clearly not everyone deserves your kindness. 

It took me a long while to realise that I’m an amazing person. Sure I’m not JEE AIR 1, but I’m not dumb either, I’m smart enough. I’m pretty enough, I’m funny enough, I’m both, independent and dependent enough. I’m enough! 

That every time someone walked away from me, they’re the ones losing this very amazing person, missing out on getting to know me. That I’m not a goddamn product for me to constantly sell myself to people. 

That it’s OK to be selfish and selective about who you love, realising that not everyone deserves your kindness. Because if you don’t take care of your heart, who will? That sometimes the faults aren’t at your side, but rather the other. That you aren’t the only one to blame for love being tough. 

Oh and erm, those who know Eric from my previous blogs, (the super cool nonchalant idgaf vice captain that I sat with during my 9th grade exams and fell in love…) Yeah, he’s in my new school. I made eye contact with him like twice and he’s different… he has a buzz cut now. He just looks uglier… All the potential, gone to waste! I don’t think I’ll be ever making conversation with him again since the last time we spoke, it was him rejecting me and telling me I'm a nice girl because he had a goddamn girlfriend. Yeah! Fun times. 

I hope this brought some insight to you because it sure did to me, I’ll just view this when I’m in my emo era. 

I hope you have an amazing day because I sure am! 

-Sahana