Reality of relationships

I never thought I’d ever write about this but I always believed that spewing all this wisdom in all my blogs would make me a better version of myself, maybe I would too, reflect on my thoughts and apply it in my own life but the second I scribble away the knowledge, I become the normal, subjective person I’ve always been. Because if I’m truly being honest, I don’t know how to be logical in love, or if I’ll ever learn to stop being a nightmare or about how I should practice what I preach about middle ground. 

I get so weak in the knees when it comes to applying my own logic for the daily relationship struggles I deal with. 

So I want to share a few anecdotes I’ve been a nightmare to myself and the people around me because executing the wisdom passed on to us, everyday by media is hard! I want to normalize making mistakes and making wrong turns in life, that you aren’t alone. 

Rocks was sort of a close friend, back in the day. We met around August 2021, and immediately hit it off. We kind of shared our everyday experiences and interactions and got along really well. I was dating my then boyfriend, Kylo. He soon developed feelings for me and knew I had a boyfriend and so confessing to me was never an option, so he sort of resigned on his own, withdrawing himself completely from my life and I didn’t press too much on it. 

We cut off all contact those few months before we started speaking again in February of 2022 when I learnt that he moved abroad for further studies. The timezones were cruel but we managed to speak regularly. I was so alone in that period of time and him being my only source of company, I stuck with him even when we clearly weren’t meant for each other. This was when an unhealthy habit began where I devoted my energy into not making him mad whenever we spoke. Whenever we argued, I was to be alone because of the disagreement and due to this silly fear of being alone, I tried so hard not to have an argument with him or making him mad. It didn’t help that we were constantly questioning one another. 

Though we’d known each other for quite a bit, there was no trust or understanding between us. After the initial kindness, his true colors soon started showing. He didn’t trust me one bit and knowing that we came from different worlds, it made our gap ever wider. What I mean by this different worlds is the fact that he would rent out villas to hang out with his friends and my mum would probably say our house is villa enough for my friends and I to hang out.  I simply didn’t comprehend the gap and our strained days just consisted of me just trying to make him happy just because I was frightened he’d storm off and not talk. 

We were so on and off that at one point, it started hurting less every time he chose to leave. I just got tired of trying to explain myself constantly to him, coming up with excuses and reasons to his unrealistic expectations. Lastly In January of 2023, I cut off all contact with him. I told him I didn’t care what he thought and I just didn’t want him in my life anymore. I was tired of always having to explain myself to him and I simply chose to live in peace than live everyday constantly fighting with a friend who’s supposed to provide joy in life. After about two years of constant struggle, I got rid of him and I was so happy for myself that I had the heart to do that. I didn’t need him. I never did, I convinced myself for so long that I sort of accepted my own feelings. 

He still texts me every now and then around my birthday, lingering around, asking a few “hey how is life” but it never lasted longer than a few days before I told him to stop contacting me. Yet he’d do the same next year. I knew he still cared because no matter how much we fought during those years that we were friends, we still cared for each other. We just never made the unsaid said.

 I truly do think me and rocks were never meant for each other in this life. Maybe it would have been better if we put on our empathy hats and analysed our situation more properly and chose an efficient approach to communicate with each other. But I really do hope the best for him, wherever he is. 

And about this Kylo, or that’s the name he addressed himself by, that was the main antagonist in the above story, was sort of my boyfriend back in 2021. We never seriously dated, that’s what I think either ways. Our relationship started off with him being really enthusiastic to be with me and during that time, I was going through a rough patch in life and I never really shared it with anyone. I didn’t pay any heed to Kylo, who was trying to talk to me and it got to the point where he sort of gave up, he knew his efforts would never be recognised or reciprocated by me until the second half where our relationship was me trying to shower him with my attention, trying to compensate for the days I was absent to talk to him. Unsurprisingly, we broke up a few months into our tiny relationship, him stating the reason that he was in love with his best friend and I didn’t want to be a reason holding him back. I knew he’d lost feelings long ago but there was no one let to blame but me. 

I remember that night, I was 13, sitting in my balcony on my mothers phone, eyes blurry as he tells me we are over, it was around 2AM and I cried myself to sleep that night. For years, I truly believed that it was right person, wrong timing. How I tried to right my wrongs but every time I reached out, I got nothing back. Things between me and Kylo were never meant to be. Thinking about it, I didn’t know the first thing when it came to him. He must be a sweet person but the truth is, I never got the opportunity to ever get to know that sweet guy. 

From these two tiny anecdotes, it’s evident I went back trying to right my wrongs, each time. Some things are just better left alone than hindered time and again. I didn’t write this to talk about my failed relationships over time but actually to remind yourself that it’s fine to grow attachment towards loved ones but it’s equally as important to learn to cut them off when necessary. In both the cases, my efforts or my actions were never going to be reciprocated. I was watering a dead plant, just lying to myself that this is how I can right my wrongs, but truth is, I didn’t intentionally do any wrongs. 

I sometimes think about these two and laugh to myself, oh how these clowns bothered me back in the day, keeping me up at night. It feels so foreign now!  

Anyways, I hope you have a great day ahead. Happy holidays! 

-Sahana