Why we struggle in love

Since the emergence of humanity, sense and intellect have been considered to be central features of oneself. We have all heard the famous declaration: I think, therefore, I am. And as a species, we have taken this rather seriously. 

We are, after all, an impressive bunch. We achieve extraordinary milestones every day. We are experts in soccer. We take spiritual trips to Jakarta. We have successful careers and receive promotions, and we are, generally very keen to tell anyone who is unfortunate enough to lend an ear. 

From the perspective of a spectator, it might therefore seem that we have rather successfully mastered the art of living. We have distinguished professions, expensive dinners and impressive LinkedIn profiles. Yet behind closed doors, beneath the reassuring appearance of fancy holidays, there can be the rather less impressive reality: the painful nightly conflicts we conduct with our own hearts over the matters of love. 

Because it is a permanently curious paradox that the most intelligent and interesting of people are the most difficult to love and stay with. 

We might have read essays about philosophy and moral values, or taken a handful of psychology courses in college or participated in experimental studies about attachment theory. We might even know why our last relationship ended and have improved since then but one thing, we forget time and again is that insight does not correspond to intimacy. 

Many great people, who pioneered the concepts we read about in textbooks and listen to Ted talks about struggled with love as well. 

Nietzsche was a renowned philosopher, having published multiple epic works yet completely unsuccessful in love. He was puzzled for decades, having been rejected by the same woman thrice and many who know about this might view this as a tale of heartbreak and rejection but something contrasting can be derived from this. Love does not require your uniqueness or remarkable qualities. 

Rather it requires you to be relatable and humane. Let’s say we wake up next to a distinguished scientist every day, someone who demands all of life to be logical and calculated. A life dictated by our partners beliefs, where every move belittles our career and our choices. Our decisions are questioned with math, our feelings challenged by biology and every move critiqued because it does not tally with our partners view of the world. Yes, it is a wonderful feat that we might be dating a renowned researcher yet we feel trapped by them nevertheless. 

But, true real love understands that there is no need for Olympic medals, or extensive card collections or our knowledge about women’s sexual health to impress upon. It requires for us to be ordinary and honest to ourselves. Someone who has flaws behind their wall of achievements, someone who forgets to turn off the lights or spills coffee across the floor. Someone who will cry alongside us at the notebook and tease us when we wear our shirt wrong. Someone who is empathetic, makes mistakes and laughs alongside us. Someone who knows that their real self is craven, repulsive and impulsive yet deserving of love. Someone who can have a life outside of their profession, believe in the supernatural while following the norms of anatomy at work. 

Because those are the people who can truly be loved for who they are, behind their wall of armor and bloat. Everyone, including us are guilty of committing the grave mistake of hiding our vain and craven selves behind the great wall we have builtt. Perhaps we never fully reveal ourselves to the people we love because to be rejected while being our authentic selves would be unbearable. So we keep a little distance between who we are and who we present ourselves to be, preserving the comforting possibility that, if someone leaves us, it was never truly us they rejected.

But what we rarely acknowledge is that concealment isn’t just an emotional risk—it’s a moral one. To withhold our inner worlds from someone who loves us is, in a sense, an act of deception. We deprive them of the chance to meet the real us. We also rob ourselves of the chance to be loved for something other than our performance.

We do not always have to be the smartest or richest or most handsome person in the room, contrastingly our partner wants us to admit that we’re not. We do not always have to answer what 20% of the check is or fake having a busy schedule to bloat. 

Someone who accepts they are imperfect, who gets short when things don’t go their way or gets cranky in the morning after a late night is more than enough because we are worthy of love not because we are perfect, but because we are not. 

Another perplexing question that plagues knowledgable individuals finding love is how can one can feel love deeply yet hurt their partner consistently?  It is an extremely paradoxical idea yet completely plausible concept because a decent percentage of the population suffers with the condition of being avoidant. where every little act of intimacy is read as alarming. This seemingly petty act of being wanted by new people every time proves to be a temporary solution to their starved esteems who struggled with finding figures in their childhood who would support or care for them. 

The desire of being wanted is prioritized rather than the long term solution of understanding and honesty that they so fear, yet need for survival. It is much easier for certain kinds of people to find new connections each time one reaches the point of gravity, where labels are placed and apartment keys are shared, rather than sit down and have a conversation with themselves. 

Whether one is in the receiving or giving end of this, we must realize that there are some core truths in this. It is hard to love those who at their very cores feel unworthy of love, when all our partners do is run away from the very thing we crave. 

It is noteworthy to mention that no one is at fault here. As a couple, we must decide to embark upon some difficult conversations with our partners and be the most patient of listeners when our partners open up about their panic. As a speaker, we must also acknowledge that a decent partner will not poke fun of us for our strange fears. Rather, people can be very understanding when given a chance. It is just as much as our problem, as it is our partners. 

It would be great to believe that the hardest parts are over but one of the toughest ideas to swallow is one that most interesting people are often the hardest to stay with. Not because they are appalling or cruel— but because they ask questions that corner us, explain their stances that challenge ours and refuse to settle a conversation simply because it is easier. 

There are certain sorts of people whose easiness is disguised as absence. Perhaps a previous lover who failed to understand our exhaustion, or neglected us for their needs or insisted we support their endeavors towards a bitcoin venture. Someone who was comfortable with their own mediocracy, even after our repeated attempts to convince them to apply for that promotion. They never acknowledged our interests for orchids, never challenged our arguments or never the one to ask questions. They’re comfortable in the same way a room without furniture is. There is nothing to move around or trip over, however nothing to sit on. 

Perhaps we were with them for 10 years, yet our partner does not have plans to propose. Or we might even realize way down the line of marriage where we are sitting across the table from them, as we finally gather that our partner does not have a speck of enthusiasm for our lives. Maybe we stuck with them because it was tolerable, not comfortable. Maybe we got used to their mediocrity, their inability to see our interests for fencing and never fully questioned our relationship until we realize how deep we are in a failing relationship.

People whose opinions made us look at the world different or keep us awake by the turmoil of their questions are the ones who were never easy. They brought friction. Not the destructive kind but the regenerative one. This type of spark requires us, to give up the comfort of being the most interesting person in the room, to our wonderfully difficult partners. Because they will never make excuses. 

They too, like ourselves have exhausting lives but make time to listen to our thorns of the day. They dedicate time to do the boring chores of cleaning out the garage alongside exciting dates to the zoo. They are the people who you can stay up all night with, talking about the exciting architecture of Istanbul. Those who want to text us into the late hours of the evening and continue talking yet care to compel us to go to bed. 

At the end of the day, the day ends but it is your choice who you want to spend your time and energy on. Intelligent partners are some of the most troublesome people one would ever have the privilege to be with, not because they are brutal rather they provoke something in us that has never been recognized. So it is our responsibility as a decent partner to be patient with ourselves and our incredible partners rather than resent them for bringing the sides of us we are yet to realize. 

Week 4 of college. Barely keeping on top of things! Have a good night :)

-Sahana