Why we blame ourselves when love ends

 It is currently 4 AM as I’m writing this, so bear with me here on the melodramatics; I think I’m a little too deep at this time of day regarding love but you never know.

It feels a bit pathetic to say this but I knew my last relationship was going to end before the breakup was even initiated. There is something so devastating and so heart-wrenching about knowing that something you nurtured, and put the time and effort into is diminishing right in front of you. The conversations start getting slower, where a layer of mistrust and uncertainty looms over in the air, the silences get louder and the world slowly turns a hue of gray. But someone always knows first. Someone always mourns first. Contrastingly, someone always stays in love a bit longer. 

For the longest amount of time, I believed that it was me who was the source of such issues. Perhaps it was because I muttered delicate words out of fear and necessity instead of love. Or maybe it was my lack of effort or the words that I wanted to say out loud but never had the courage to, that I suddenly did now after we had separated.

At the end of the day, it is important to know that relationships aren’t one-sided. It is never really a singular moment or mistake that ruins everything; Rather, it’s a journey of painfully drifting away before the goodbye even approaches. A culmination of micro endings—texts that used to take minutes to reply become hours, an offset of disappointments, the denial of intimacy. Even though we see the thousands of micro-endings, we refuse to name it. 

We forget time and again, that the people we choose to fall in love with are an indirect manifestation of qualities and characteristics we want in our very own lives. We fall in love with people we hope to be, now and in the future. We imagine of a life together, where we finally become who we wanted living a life of pure romance and serenity, with them. 

So this grievance that follows is not isolated to the relationship but our manifestations of our life and our future as well. It seems as though all our hopes, our dreams and desires, even a part of ourselves washed away with them. 

We also, meet people at different emotional temperatures—either theirs or ours. Consequently, there is a quiet arrogance when we blame ourselves for the issues that arise and the ruptures that come, because it gives us an illusion of control. If it was our fault, we could’ve fixed it. But it wasn’t, we are forced to face the unbearable truth: some things end without anyone doing anything inherently wrong. It is pivotal to understand that sometimes, relationships don’t end because we aren’t meant for one another, but because the maturity, timing or simply emotional readiness are wrong.  

We also have an ignorant notion of compatibility. We believe its shared experiences and interests but sometimes, no amount of love towards baseball cards can bring the intimacy that similar expectations of closeness, emotional vulnerability or even similar conflict styles can bring. It disappoints us to know that more times than not, love isn’t all thats needed. 

Sometimes, it is easier to accept that if it was meant to stay, we wouldn’t have to break ourselves to hold it together. And if it was meant to break up, well now we know. 

 At the same time, it makes me ponder about how we never really know someone.  Sonder is a feeling of knowing that every stranger on the street, every person we meet has just as complicated of a life like you and me. They have regrets that they think about at night and carry disappointments inflicted by people on their shoulders. They have insecurities and happiness from random things that they see on the street.

 It is absolutely mind-boggling to me that no one never really knows anyone. Because at the end of the day, the version that we have created of them in our brains is just a product of our limited interaction with them. It begs the question that even though one only knows each other in fragments, these fragments are enough to devastate us upon their absence.

We might think that we know them like the back of our hand, but do we?

We haven’t seen them in difficult times yet we convince ourselves, we do. This leads one to ask if we knew them so well, why did we not see that this was going to end?

And if we didn’t, why are we mourning the loss of this particular person? Do you really know anything about this someone?

Maybe, we didn’t ask them enough questions… What is their favorite cloud shape? Where do they throw their tangerine peels? How long can they hold their breathe underwater? And if given the choice, which planet they’d like to live on? Or if they believed in reincarnation; If they did, whether they would show up as a cat at my window? 

But sometimes, knowing their coffee order or the fact that they lightly snored while sleeping or their eyes are a shade of warmth mixed with emerald, is enough. Knowing that they loved you and you loved them too, is enough. 

And sometimes against all odds, we hope. 

Culmination of my thoughts and chaos today, hope everyone enjoys their thanksgiving break. I am thankful to whoever reads my blogs!

-Sahana